I'm Just Gonna Say What You're Not Supposed To Say

Alright, I have to say what I'm thinking/feeling and I know it probably won't go over particularly well for some. I know it may sound like whining, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now! All my life I've been an athlete and in pretty good shape. Sure, I had a heavier phase in college, but who didn't? And yes, like most human beings there are certain areas on my body that I've never been fond of, for instance the stubby little legs on the bottom of my 5'0" frame, but I've never been uncomfortable in my skin or truly self conscious about my appearance...until now that is.

Listen, I'm not clueless. I know what pregnancy looks like; I understand the necessity of gaining weight to support the living being inside me, but still I am genuinely struggling with my current appearance. At 13 weeks pregnant today (YAY!), I'm officially done my first trimester and in that time I only gained 2 pounds. Perfect, right? It's exactly in the middle of the recommended weight gain values. Let me tell you exactly where that two pounds went: one pound to each boob. My boobs are huge! It is actually to the point that my upper back is a little sore at the end of the day. Even my friends now are like "Damn girl your boobs are crazy". Like I haven't noticed the water balloons in my shirt. Trust me, I noticed and don't worry, I bought bigger bras already to support this new change (no pun intended). I don't think I've actually gained any weight in my belly, but I'm definitely looking a little softer than usual in that area too. Still, just that little change in shape has all my running tights fitting a little too tight. I mostly spend my days off wanting nothing more than to wear one of Aaron's baggy sweatshirts and a pair of underwear. Hello comfort!

And speaking of comfort, in honor of my growing muffin top I made muffins today! And also a bonus loaf of banana bread...because I had extra bananas.

I know I'm supposed to love being pregnant and seeing as I've had no real pregnancy symptoms I do feel a little guilty saying that so far this process is not my favorite thing in the world. Talk about mom guilt already. I feel bad that I'm so concerned about my appearance and already preoccupied with getting my "pre baby body" back and I'm nowhere near that point yet. I can't even make myself feel better by going for a long run because the one symptom I do have is heavy legs. A 5-6 mile run is the most I can muster right now before my legs turn to unmovable lead blocks. Obviously I know these physical changes will be worth it when I'm snuggling with our little Monkey, but right now I'm struggling with the changes. Needless to say, I wouldn't trade being pregnant, 100% it's a gift. It's just a gift that comes with little hidden surprises that aren't particularly exciting.

Today body positivity is almost a slogan or catch phrase and needless to say it's a good one. Everybody, especially women should be proud of their bodies. No woman should ever feel ashamed of her cellulite, stretch marks, or soft spots. But nowadays it's almost unacceptable to make claims about being uncomfortable with our bodies. All I want to say is whether your thighs are textured with cellulite, you're a size 0 or a size 18, one month postpartum or 3 months pregnant, an A cup or a DD cup, it's OK to be 100% comfortable in your skin and its also 100% OK to be uncomfortable in it too. You should never be made to feel guilty about your own emotions, no matter what they are regarding. So I'm saying "Bye Felicia" to mom guilt in this case, I'm happy to admit I'm concerned about my bodily changes and dedicated to getting my pre-Monkey body back no matter how that makes me sound. So for now, all I can do is keep hammering out my runs (no matter how long they are) and do what my body can do because it is changing and I will adapt to where I'm at. Here's to my and your ever changing Miles to Motherhood!


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