Lately, I find myself doing random things to kind of escape my thoughts. Normally running is my outlet, but lately being alone in my head while running just escalates my anxiety about conceiving. So the other day I had this random thought pop into my head about how much I used to love going to my grandparents because there was always an ongoing puzzle project to work on. Naturally, I went out and bought a puzzle, a 1000-piece Thomas Kincade puzzle to be exact. Started it last night and I’m a little embarrassed to report that I’ve finished a pretty substantial amount of it already. Talk about a wonderful use of my time, seeing as there’s a massive pile of laundry on my bed waiting to be put away. Although, my mother’s dog Jack seems to be pretty comfortable on it…guess I’ll be rewashing that load.
Anyway, my husband is getting a whole lot of enjoyment out of my puzzle making. Playfully pointing out that I belong in a retirement home or that I’m actually an 85-year-old woman.
Obviously it’s a joke, but is he right? I’ve always been an old soul. I’ve been told this since I was a young kid. In the midst of dealing with infertility, my irrational thought is “Oh my god, I act like an old lady, is it possible my body thinks I’m that old and past my childbearing prime?!?” We hear it all the time, mind over matter. Has my old soul mind completely changed my biological makeup?
Listen, I’m a nurse, I understand anatomy and physiology. Rationally, I know this is not even a remote possibility. Let’s be honest though, how many of us actually act/think rationally when in the throws of trying to conceive. How many times have we googled wacky myths to increase fertility or assumed that the headache that we got at the end of our cycle had to be a sign we are finally pregnant and our hormones are out of wack or sat with our legs in the air after trying just in case it actually helps? EVERYTHING about infertility is anxiety producing. It’s scary, it’s foreign, it’s unfamiliar.
I do have to admit, other than when I sat down to write tonight, I really didn't think about baby making or adopting at all today. To the fertile woman I know it may seem crazy, but this is pretty significant. On any given day I must spend hours thinking about this: theorizing, planning, researching, shopping, just all things baby. So while I'm a little embarrassed to admit I did about half this puzzle today and probably belong in a retirement home, maybe we should all do a couple more puzzles, there might really be something to this anti anxiety thing going on here today. Sidenote: I did leave the kitchen table long enough to get my miles in and a post run shower, but that's about it. Somebody send me a life!
Logged 6 more Miles to Motherhood today!
What do you do to tame the anxiety or ease your mind? Anybody else care to book a room at my retirement home?