When Denial Becomes Reality (a happy reality)

Since becoming pregnant, I feel like I've been living in limbo. Granted this limbo is mostly a result of my own anxieties. Immediately after seeing the positive pregnancy test I was thrilled, but it didn't take long before the worries settled in. Let me interject here by saying, thank god for best friends who make you feel that your worries are normal and are a part of motherhood.

Anyway, as an ER nurse there is rarely a shift that goes by that we don't see at least one miscarriage. The unfortunate truth is that miscarriage is exceptionally common. According to the Mayo Clinic, anywhere from 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's HUGE! Naturally, with this kind of background knowledge, it was hard for me to settle into the idea of being pregnant and enjoy it. It's easier to say goodbye to something if you aren't attached to it. Let's call it a protective mechanism, but I was reluctant to fully welcome this baby in to my heart. That's not to say I wasn't thrilled about this because I absolutely have been over the moon, but on any given day there were moments of doubt. It seemed that every time I told one person about Monkey, I'd spot a tiny bit the next day, as if there was some kind of yin and yang at work trying to balance my excitement.

I've heard that "a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant and a man becomes a father when the baby is born" and in some ways I did feel that. For a couple weeks now I've found myself sitting with my hands over my belly as if protecting our little secret, but it wasn't until yesterday that I truly felt like a mother. At only 11 weeks pregnant my OB was unable to find Monkey's heart beat with a Doppler so we popped over to the ultrasound room and she quickly honed in on baby. The moment the probe pushed on my belly Monkey started wiggling around as if responding to her touch. That was it! That was the exact moment I fell in love with this kid and became a mother.

For weeks I've been tracking baby's progress with my pregnancy app so I knew Monkey was mobile, but seeing our baby moving inside me was the greatest reality check I've ever experienced. Truly surreal!

(Monkey was feeling a little too energetic to stop for a good picture, but his/her legs were kicking and those little arms were moving)

If I wasn't impatient enough for Monkey to arrive before yesterday's ultrasound then I definitely am now. Side note: Monkey's heart rate was 160 yesterday. My mother is convinced that Monkey is a girl now. Aaron not so much, he's still banking on baby being a boy haha. My only thought is this kid is gonna be wild! I'm completely stoked about it too. Monkey is mobile and running around in there already. Somebody's getting ready for all kinds of adventures in the real world with momma. Stay wild baby, I may regret it later, but we're ready for your rambunctiousness. So while baby runs mini "miles" inside, momma continues running her Miles to Motherhood completely in love with our baby inside.


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